I must have gotten it all wrong. By this point I should have done so many things differently. I should have been skinnier. More tamed. Not caring about all the trivial things like moral, principles, passion, emotion. More wild. I should have had more sex and less thoughts. More memories and less goals.
I shouldn’t have been so ambitious. I shouldn’t have turned into such a perfectionist… Or been so scared. To dye my hair blue. To have a boys haircut. To pierce my bellybutton and then change my mind. To pierce my tongue and stick it out on every occasion possible. I should have turned out this way. So devoted. Considerate. Keen on keeping promises. I should have loved being a heartbreaker. Should have been a bit more superficial. A bit more carefree. A bit more relaxed.
I must have gotten it all wrong because I do not feel any pleasure in casual conversations. I do not mind being all by myself. All the time. And I guess I don’t mind hurting for I know that is the only way to be alive. To grow – stronger. Wiser.
Don’t get me wrong. I dream about enjoying myself as much as all the other young people out there. I just don’t know what is it that will make me feel joy, pleasure. Excitement. From head to toes. Apart from work, music, a good read or nature in the spring. The see in the summer and the summer sand that I want to disappear into.
Am I a dreamer. Am I a hopeless romantic. Am I subnormal in any way. Boring? Am I delusional. Am I weird. Extraordinary? Am I good or bad…Am I that different.
And for the pleasure of it all…or just out of love for confusion, I am both. Carefree and burdened. Wise and irresponsible. Young and mature.
Are you interested?